I said I was I’m sorry!
…Happy now?
Hi! I’m Commenter number 42. I’m
Blogger 293,019.I think you owe us all a HUGE apology.
I am the self appointed board of social interactions and on
behalf of the entire humanity I demand that you step up and give us a sincere
apology for the outrageous atrocities you perpetrated against all of mankind. I
stand with 117 other commentators and eleven other prestigious bloggers. We are
also on the same side as four TV shows, six international talk show hosts and
other equally indignant celebrities and commoners.
Feeling the pressure yet?
I read the letter you wrote
privately to your gay student. She posted it online. It went viral and now you
owe us. Don’t you understand how hurtful you've been? Don’t you realize that if
you write something down you need to have it proofread by me before you mail
it?
What were you thinking? Don’t you understand that you need to be
superhuman? Don’t you understand that at the age of forty you should be wise as
a seventy year old, patient as a grandma and as polished as a new pair of
shoes? It’s national television!
You've made a mistake now ‘fess up and say those two appropriate words.
Come on now, we’re waiting.
Dear Fellow Commenter,
Blogger, Journalist, Show Host,
and Great Aunt Julie from Denmark,
In response to your demand for Blank’s public apology I’d like to share my thoughts.
Blank made himself vulnerable.
He stood up for his current belief,
made his feelings known or exposed his worldview.
Blank was not born yesterday and he
was not born perfect. He was born just like you. As He stood before us at the
age of forty He is simply reflecting some of everything he’s heard and seen
over the past 480 months.
Do you remember that story of the
woman who lost the Olympic running race because she stopped to help an injured competitor?
The moment she stopped dead in her track, turned around and helped the fallen
runner we were all deeply moved. We each want to be that kind of player.
Why don’t we just do it? Can’t each
of us start today? Falling is not always a matter of a twisted ankle; sometimes
it’s a matter of twisted logic, but there is nothing some compassionate
communication can’t fix… with time.
In my mind I imagine a day when we
finally view each other as the fellow players we are. We are all playing to win
the same game. Blank is not competing against you. He is competing against
himself. His selfish side competes against his caring side. His accepting self
competes against the prosecutor self. His careless side still wins sometimes
and then he finds himself in a mess he didn't realize he is in. How can we best
help him out of it without crushing his dignity?
If Blank made a mistake and I really
care, wouldn't I kindly pay him a visit? Can’t I try to show him what I see and
teach him what I know so that he may understand?
Blank might be stubborn at first.
After all, he might have seen
things his way for years before I came along. If I really care I won’t give up
on him. I will take all measures of care not to expose his mistake to others.
He probably had no idea! Or maybe he did, but can’t I afford him the benefit of
the doubt anyway?
As a fellow player, will you go on
over and let him know what you think? Will you trust that together we can
figure it all out? If Blank lives far away, can’t you write him a letter? Can’t
you include your number so you can chat it out?
And if He turns down all of our
attempts and insist that he is right and did nothing wrong, must he be afraid
that we will then expose his weaknesses, his stupidity and his vulnerability to
the world? Can’t we be fellow players even though 100% of us are probably still
broken and blind and not quite there yet?
If Blank does not offer an apology
on his own then that means he doesn't get it yet. We could focus on minimizing
the damage he creates by strengthening ourselves and each other. It might be a good idea for us to move on to
the next thing and trust that when he is ready in a week, a month or fourteen
years he’ll come around. Instead of wasting our limited efforts trying to
coerce him into a superficial display of remorse, why don’t we focus instead on
helping the victims of his insensitivity so that they may be strengthened at
the core? Let’s allow him to process the lessons of life at his own pace and not
let him stop us from processing ours. We can move forward and keep doing our
thing and if Blank is lucky, he’ll catch up one day.
He’ll catch up because he’ll be
free to move forward. He will grow and mature because he will have us, his trusting
and supportive team all around him. He’ll come around because he’ll see all the
beautiful things we've built with our focus, energy and determination to make
this world a more beautiful place and he’ll realize how his insensitivity
undermines that. He’ll come around because positivity is infectious. It caught
on to the people around us and they passed it to the people around them and
what do you know? It took a little while but eventually he caught it too.
It might be fourteen years too late
but won’t we accept his apology when he finally extends it? What is a real team
for?
Imagine if we never make him say the words
before he is ready, before they come from inside. Because of our patience and
belief in Blank, he will have the opportunity to sincerely express his feelings
of regret once he finally realizes what he did wrong. He will have the
opportunity to receive our genuine forgiveness. He might say “I finally realize
the pain I caused by the way I hurt you, or your family, or your people, or all
of humanity and I’m so, so sorry.
“Will you please forgive me now?
“I said I was I’m sorry… “
…And
because of our authentic trust, he will actually mean it.
Disclaimer: This is not a call to hush or cover up abuse.
This is a call to end this habit we've fallen into of extracting false
apologies from each other. Let us not abuse the dynamic of sincere apology and
forgiveness by forcing it. Let us instead remember that we are all vulnerable
and wrong in some way and the least we can do is work with each other, not
against each other.
If someone is a danger to himself or
others all actions must be taken to stop the abuse either through legal actions
or by applying other pressure.
Demanding
a public apology should not be our aim; rather our aim should be to support
each other and teach each other. The day we succeed will be the day every man
and woman finally realizes what a powerful gift it is; the opportunity to ask
for and receive forgiveness.
