Tuesday, April 30, 2013

חלקי הוי' אמרה נפשׁי


My chosen one is Havaya
 Says my soul 


Where are you soul?

And if you want Havaya what is stopping you?
Havaya is yours. 
And I am here.
Why the angst,
Why complicated longing,
And desperate foreign infatuations?
Why the all consuming contradictory feelings?
Why do you pull me away?

And then to seek 
And find again,
So that I feel safe and happy and joyful.

And then away
In a different direction?
I am confused.

My soul, do you seek Havaya?
I'd feel happier if I found peace.
Peace and contentment sprinkled with glimmers of joy.
I've felt that way before, why does it give way?




What does it feel like to be Havaya?

Are you Peace?
Or are you Longing?

Is there no escape from longing because Desire is who you are?

But there is peace.
There is peace in our togetherness.
Peace in the moment I say  "ה' שפָתַי תִּפְתָּח"
And mean it.
And surrender to you.
And trust you hear my words and have taken over.

There is peace when I sing תְּהִלָּתֶךָ.
Because in that moment you are Peace.
You are your Desire,
Received.

For a moment.
A moment. 



Thursday, April 25, 2013



Should I teach my child safety 
by teaching him to listen to his feelings?




A Dad's Perspective


In our home it was never about our feelings. Feelings come and go. Feelings are confusing and contradictory. Growing up, there was something more important to pay attention to. There was something that never changes that dictated our decisions; morality.


Getting dressed was never about my mood. It was about treating my body with respect and preserving its dignity.


I was not taught to eat what makes me feel good. I was taught to eat foods that will make my body strong and keep it healthy.


I was taught to hug grandma no matter what I feel because it will make her happy. Bubby’s happiness is the important thing, not my feelings.


I was taught that my body is holy.


Nobody may touch my body inappropriately. Not because it feels wrong, but because a body should not be touched like that. Ever. No matter what I feel.


I was taught that my body helps me do all the things that need to get done. My body helps me to make the world a better, kinder, happier place.


My body is not here to help me get what I want; rather it was given to me so that I may give others what they need. I was not taught to focus on the feelings of my own pleasures, but something much more important. I was taught to feel the pleasure of giving.


I am older now but some things never change. In my marriage I know that I am never entitled to my wife’s body. My greatest pleasure is from being in tune to her needs and filling them.


We do not make our feeling important. We make important the will of the creator who put us here for a reason. He teaches us how to treat other people. He teaches us the rights and wrongs of how to treat our bodies. We do not rely on our feelings to teach us that. 



What will your child’s bottom line be? 


Tuesday, April 9, 2013


To My Daughter... And Women Everywhere




Dear Sara,

            I heard you crying in your room earlier. I assume the tears were related to the scoff you got from your brother about being a “weakling sissy girl”.

            That kind of thing could be hurtful to hear if you really have no idea what makes it untrue. You might have run off thinking, “He might be right! What makes me less than weak or sissy?”

Well Sara, do you know? Have you ever thought about what it is that makes you different from your brother? What makes a woman different from a man?

            There is lots of information out there but most of it seems somehow less than sufficient. You can study all about the anatomical differences and still be left thinking “But why? Why are all those differences just the way they are?” You can learn that women have a stronger interpersonal intuition and men a sharper concentration and focus, but then again; why?  

For many years I used to feel very vulnerable about my femininity. I heard beautiful things about the Matriarchs, Prophetesses and Rebbetzins from different eras. I heard stories that highlighted their wisdom and ingenuity, personal strength and far reaching influence. I heard many reasons for standing behind the Mechitza, avoiding the pulpit and making the home my personal focus but always at the end I was still left with the nagging feeling that it is better to be a man.  Men are stronger. Men have clear thinking. Men don’t get distracted by constantly changing hormones. Men don’t get weakened by childbirth or derailed for days by a story about pain and loss.

It was only after I was enlightened to the essential difference that I finally began to embrace my womanhood. It was only once I embraced that side of me that every other part of my life began to make sense.  

To think the difference is biological, emotional, intellectual or psychological is to remain fixated on the “parts” of a person. It’s like thinking an ironing board is different from a cutting board because one is longer than the other and made of steel. Of course one might be longer and stronger but that is not what makes the two different. Those are just features.

            The difference between the two boards is the purpose of each. The two could look exactly alike, be made of the same materials, take up the same amount of space and still be essentially different. The reason why the cutting board is shorter and lighter is not because we cannot make it otherwise. It is specifically so.  The shape, size and weight were created to best support its function.

It is erroneous to believe that features define. Purpose defines. The best features for each thing are those that serve its purpose best.

To think that women are different from men on account of our features is true, but not the point. It is our purpose that defines us and makes sense of all the differences.

So what is the purpose?

I used to think that life was about fixing. Then one day I learnt that is not the purpose of life, rather it is the purpose of a man to fix things. There are so many things in the world that are broken, unjust, unresolved and just plain wrong. That is why a man does what he does; to fix the broken things and make them work. A woman’s job is different. It is not our job to pursue, persecute or patch things up.  Our job is to take care of those things that are already whole. Our job is to take what is already healthy, and allow it to thrive.

As a woman you must keep your eye and your heart tuned to those things that are already good and beautiful. A child is good. A child does not need to be fixed. In your space he will grow strong, and through your example he will grow kind. A home is good. A home is a space wherein people can grow. A home is not a project that needs fixing; a home is already a perfect wonderful place to be. Life is good. Focus on those things that are good; a new thought, a beautiful day, a new friend. If you receive them, accept them, and trust in their goodness they will continue to blossom.

Of course there are still forces that need to be fought. Regarding those, you can trust that your brother will take care of them. He was built to find and fix. A real man is the one who can recognize a need and set about filling it. He sees a problem and recognizes it as his next project. Although you Sara might at many times be required to fill in, fixing is not your ultimate purpose or fulfillment.  Protecting is more like it. As a woman your presence is a positive force. What you allow into your space without reservation or judgment will flourish.

            One day you will grow and have a husband. The better you learn now to ignore the negative and revel in the good, the better a wife you will be. His level of success will depend on your level of acceptance. In the light of your unyielding respect he will prosper. Engulfed in your undivided confidence in him, he will thrive.

There will be parts of him that are still raw, hurting, and unrefined. Will you know how to avoid losing your strengths over trying to fight or fix those? There will be bits of him that are vulnerable. Will you be trained and prepared to look the other way? If you start practicing now, you will know how to make it your way to highlight those elements of charm, tenderness, strength and beauty that with your wisdom you will uncover. In your unconditional receiving, the hurting parts will have the time and space they need in order to heal and the wholesome parts will unfold and reign true and lasting.

There is nothing you need do to activate this nurturing power; it is who you are. When you are, without tension or preconceptions, without pressure or calculations, all who are around you are nurtured.

Think of the womb. Where else in all of nature does an organ exist that neither pumps nor pulls, filters nor fights; only waits?  Where else in the body is there a feature built in that passes time silently with endless patience asking for nothing and then receiving without reservation? When the womb receives, life occurs. By extension, when a woman receives into all of the space around her, lives are nurtured.

Your home will be an extension of your space – if you allow it to be. It is not in the serving of meals or the washing of dishes that the nurturing takes place. Those tasks are not homemaking, they are housekeeping. Anyone may absorb those tasks. They may be done by your husband, yourself or hired help. It is not through any kind of work that you are defined; rather it is in your presence that magic happens. It is through your being that the house becomes a home. Don’t wait until you grow up to be who you are. Start practicing on your brother, your campers and your friends. Can you tune in to all that is whole, sweet, pretty and joyous?

When you read an article, can you learn to ignore the misconceptions and expound on the truths? When you hear a thought, can you resist the urge to say “I disagree” and try to receive it fully? Can you tune into that part of you that says “What exactly does that even mean?”


Your father finds fulfillment in fighting to protect you from hunger, cold and need. As your mother, I nourish and protect you, my beautiful children who are already exactly right; not because you do everything the right way, but because even the struggles are exactly right. They are part of life, and life is right.  I remain within the fort so that you have the nurturing necessary to flourish, grow and mature.

Will you need to fight sometimes? That you will. Might you take up a labor to provide for your family one day? You might need to do that as well.

If you need to, you will do a great job of it. You are not unequally endowed with intelligence or ability, efficiency or drive. If out of necessity you must devote some of your time to worldly struggles, I wish you blessings of success. Wherever you are and whatever you need to engage in, remember who you are. As a woman in the workplace your coworkers should feel the warmth. As you receive your children at home with trust in their innate innocence and goodness, allow all who are around you to thrive in your trust and acceptance.

Allow yourself to be a woman wherever you may find yourself. Turn a blind eye to weaknesses and faults. See how in your space they simply fall away with time to be helplessly replaced by the beauty, health and real strengths that were always just under the surface.

Sara, you do not need bulging muscles or towering height because you were not built for fighting. Someone was, but not you. Your strength lies in something else entirely. Your strength lies in your capacity to receive.

The extent to which you receive is in your control. Not much else will be. If you receive with grace and allow things to fall where they may you will not be disappointed. It is when you allow yourself this full vulnerability that you will find the endeavors and people all around you blossoming.

In your home, it is this vulnerability in receiving fully that will set you apart from your husband. And it is that which makes you most different from each other that is in fact what will allow you to come together in oneness. Your husband will not receive you. Receiving is not his role. His role will be that to you - he can give.

Contrary to the contemporary call for domestic equality, the most important relationship in your life will be not with an equal but with a compliment. You might be two peers sharing a space, but he will not be anything like you. Essentially he will be something else completely. He will be all that you are missing.

Whereas your fulfillment is in receiving fully, his will be in giving. In giving himself over fully to you, he is making himself so vulnerable, so open to your reaction; your acceptance or rejection. And you Sara, you will have the opportunity to receive him fully; to catch him when he falls with full trust into your life.

Because of the era we live in, sometimes it seems like giving is so much more important. It seems like there is so much to fix and so much to accomplish. There is so much still to build and figure out, and contrive. It took me years to begin to notice that indeed there is so much too that is already good.

Where there is no receiving there cannot be life. The women before us knew this. No matter the state of the world outside, our mothers stayed home so that we the children, the living, the good can be nurtured. Although it is no longer necessary to stay at home, don’t allow yourself to be fooled or distracted from your greatest role. It is in the receiving of an idea that it can bloom into a thought and then into words and actions. It is in the receiving of inspiration that every great work of art was ever born. In receiving a child, he grows strong and healthy and goes on to do his work. Wherever you are, you can be the home.

Today and for all of history we women were placeholders for the men as well. They did not yet have the luxury of reveling in the good. We are reminders to them of what wholeness looks like through all the years of war and struggle to bring the world closer to that state. In the world we are working toward, a world that is no longer far at all, the art of fixing will be obsolete, and receiving and living will be appreciated once again.

Today, even the strongest women need to be a little bit masculine as there are still those things  that needed to be fought. Really soon Sara, all the fights will be won. When that is finally true, then all people will need to be a little more feminine and learn to nurture all that is good. If you focus on being that way now, they will start learning from your example.

You might not lift as much as your brother or run as fast but you are not a “weakling sissy girl” my dear. You are as strong as your confidence in your purpose. When he taunts you, can you laugh at his youth and confusion? Can you receive him fully and trust that one day he will grow out of his insecurities into a real man?

Dry your tears my dear Sara and come join me on the couch. Let us read about the world we can almost touch. Let us thank the greatest giver of all for allowing us to be a part of his dream; for allowing us to show the world what the final hope looks like, and for inviting us to be a part of making it come about. 

Wednesday, April 3, 2013



Stand with the Palestinians?




Dear World,

You cannot claim blindness as I’ve heard you broadcasting the issue on every news station. You speak of the poor pregnant Palestinian woman who died in Gaza, her murdered child and the others. Dear world what are you doing to deliver the Palestinian people from the hands of Hamas? 

There are over a million people captive in the hands of an evil and cruel terrorist group on the west bank of Israel today. What are you doing, World?! Despite the money you keep pouring into their pockets, the Palestinian people live in depraved third world conditions without a proper infrastructure, food options or medical facilities. Civilians are forced to house dangerous explosives in their schools, hospitals, news stations and homes. They are in danger of senseless torture and death, and worst of all they probably live in a constant terrible state of fear.

World, you blame yourself for not doing enough seventy years ago when millions of people were killed in the hands of the Nazis. What are you doing now? You cannot claim lack of awareness, you report about it every day. You condemn Israel, the only nation to have targeted and killed seven Hammas leaders recently. You blame the hundred plus deaths of the Palestinian captives of Hammas on Israel.  

Did you report about the warning pamphlets Israel rained down all over Gaza for days before the attacks, or did you find ways to condemn that too? Did you know Israel warned the people to evacuate? I haven’t heard about that on the news at all. Did you know that Hammas told the people to ignore the warnings and stay?! It is very clear with whom the responsibility lies for all the senseless deaths, and yet you interrogate Israel as if they walked down the streets of Gaza and murdered over one hundred innocent people in cold blood without any provocation whatsoever.  

Dear world, every now and again I hear you whine and complain and bemoan the deaths of the Palestinians. What are you doing about it? There is an evil group of terrorists ruining the lives of hundreds of thousands of people for more than three generations. What are you doing to change that?  

You don’t care that Hammas is raining rockets all over Israel. I Got that. You’ve made yourself clear. You don’t care that thousands of Israeli children and Moms and Dads are in mortal danger. You don't seem to care that a rocket killed three Israelis, among them a pregnant woman and injuring her eight month old baby. I got that. You don’t care that buses get blown up for no reason, that rockets fall endlessly,and that rocks thrown by Arab youths are responsible for killings of innocent babies and children. Ar you aware that as soon as two minutes after a ceasefire agreed upon by Israel in response to Piller of Defence attempt in 2012 Hammas violated it and kept shooting more missiles into Israel?

You might not know that the “light injuries” reported in the news mean not scrapes and bruises but loss of arms, legs and faces. You might not be aware that thousands of Israelis children are living with fears greater than their little bodies can handle, granted. We get it. We understand we do not have your sympathy.  Maybe it is our fault. Maybe there is a lack of awareness because we are too busy fighting for life to keep clambering for your attention. What about the poor Palestinians though? Are you going to do nothing to save them?

If you do nothing to save them from the evil reign of Hamas on a regular Tuesday, please stop whimpering when unavoidably and with our deepest regrets some innocent men, women and children get killed as collateral damage when we take down Hammas on Wednesday. We wish Hammas would stop seeking shelter among them so that these precious lives remain intact, but unfortunately the terrorist group refuses to give up their human shields. They prefer to bring about these senseless deaths to their own people. 

When you condemn Israel's attempts at self defense, not only are you hurting Israeli citizens but also the thousands of Palestinians that in Israel alone enjoy equal rights and privileges. When they get wounded, do you know which hospitals welcome and aid them? Yup, they prefer the Israeli medical care over their own and we treat them indiscriminately

To stand on the side while rockets fall on Israel, and step in to condemn when rockets fall on Gaza is a tempting knee jerk reaction to emotional, often times staged images generated by terrorist propaganda media.  Please become informed. Don't allow yourself to be used as the political human shield that stands in the way of ending world terror.

You say there is one side to this story, World. One side, not Israeli, not Palestinian but Human. If you have the time and concern, please come to the aid of humanity. Otherwise, please recognize the complexity of the situation and stay out of the way.

 Thank you, World.




Shut Down the Bible Department?
A response to Shut Down the Bible Department by Elliot Resnick, Published March 21at, 2013




Dear Elliot,

I read the article you wrote about your proposal to ban Intro to Bible classes in YU. Yours might not be a bad idea. On the other hand, maybe there is an altogether better idea of what to do with that class.

I understood from your writing that you felt the class undermined a lot of (what you thought were) your unshakable beliefs. Before dealing with restructuring the class it might be a good idea to rethink your ideas about belief.

            You write that “…the overwhelming majority of Orthodox Jews grow up believing that Moshe wrote every word of the Torah as dictated by G-d. They also believe Moshe received the entire Oral Law at Har Sinai, and finally, they believe biblical Hebrew is holy and contains hidden wisdom of one sort or another.
            “I, too, believed all this….until I took Intro to Bible. In that course, my professor challenged all three beliefs. No longer was it clear that Moshe wrote the entire Torah.”

Elliot,

            Did Moshe write the entire Torah and received the Oral one directly from G-d at Har Sinai? Did he write it with holy letters that contain hidden wisdom, or he did not? What do you mean by writing “Orthodox Jews grow up believing...No longer was it clear”?

Are you not sure about your history? What do you mean when you write that you used to believe all this?  Despite what you believe, did all of that happen 3325 years ago or did it not? Do you know?  Before the class did you know? Did you believe, or did you simply have faith in it because your mom told you to?

What does it mean to believe? Is belief a stubborn allegiance to an idea regardless of credibility?

Stubborn allegiance is not belief; it is faith. There are people who have faith in all kinds of things regardless of probability or credibility. Faith is blind: “I have faith in the truth of the bible no matter what you say.”

Do you think the creator expects us to follow him blindly? Are we meant to surrender to him without verifying that he in fact is the one behind his alleged words? If that were true, why would he give us a mind that can challenge him? If he gave us a mind then the mind must be essential to our service of him. Also, it must be that through our mind we could find him.


            Belief is not based on faith. Belief is confidence in an idea based on knowledge. “I know that the bible is true based on study, investigation and understanding therefore I believe everything that is written therein. Because of my knowledge, I believe that anything that contradicts the bible is wrong and will be disproven or fall away with time.” Belief does not get challenged in the face of contradictory ideas. When you believe something, you have confidence in it. If you know longer have the confidence then either you lost touch with your belief or you were never really in touch in the first place.

Until I was in my early twenties I had faith in the divine origin of the Torah. I did not try to verify the history, I did not research the facts and I did not question any of it at all.  I had faith. They said the Torah was divine therefore I had faith that the Torah was divine. In my experience faith meant accepting that something is true based on trust.

The experience you encountered in Bible class is not unique to you. The experience was not necessarily a negative one. This kind of experience is a fact of life. At one point or another every person bumps into someone who believes something that contradicts their own ideas of reality. It is then that faith is no longer enough.

For me that shift happened several years ago. It was in my early twenties that I began to question my faith. Why do I have such strong faith in the divinity of Torah? Maybe someone made a mistake somewhere along the way and now I follow a man-made code of laws? Maybe I religiously lead a life based on a mortal’s idea of right and wrong? It was then that I needed knowledge in order to continue to be congruent with my belief. In order for me to remain vulnerable to everything it says in Torah I needed to know that everything in it is in fact 100% true and verified divine.

Investigate I did. And now I know. But this is not my story. It is yours.

Once you realize that all these years you relied on faith alone, you now have the chance to start searching for the facts that support what you always thought must be true. This is your chance to start filling the holes in your education with answers to questions you never had. You now have the opportunity to back your faith with knowledge you never thought to seek. This is an exciting stage to enter and your belief will never be the same.

Historians, Scientists, Philosophers; each one is a man just like you. They think and wonder and study and inevitably find data to support whatever theory they try to create.

Your heritage is not rocket science; it is history and timeless, infinite wisdom. What the rest of them have are speculations. Don’t dismiss them, address them.

Now it is your turn to look into it. If you believe that every word written in the Torah is divine, study your own history to find the holes in their theories. Write a new Intro to Bible class based on your findings. If you know that the Aleph Bet are more than just a man-made tool for communication find out more about them. If you know that they are actually the building blocks of creation, the vibrations that keep each thing in existence, learn more about it. It’s your Torah, it’s your life and it’s your G-d.

You know that not everyone believes what you believe. If you care about it than you have your work cut out for you. The only reason you might have found the opposing view uncomfortable is if you don’t really feel secure yet that what you have faith in is in fact true. Don’t worry. None of it is anything a bit of knowledge cannot fix.

Are you worried that for 140 generations your ancestors passed down home-made myths and legends?  Are you afraid that Torah cannot stand the test of a good, thorough investigation? Are you afraid you are the first to have these doubts and thoughts?

And if for all these years you were aligned with a bible that was never true to begin with is it not time you found out?

            Do not allow yourself to be intimidated by a fellow man. The chances are high that he too is passing along information he “believes” based on a collection of “facts” he researched.

            I do not think the key to the future is to take away these classes. They will be there no matter what we do and we do not need to feel threatened.

The future is secure when our young ones have a chance to truly study their own Torah. Not just study it for many hours, but truly absorb what each word means in an unhurried and personal way. Every Jew must have a chance to learn our history. Study our Torah. Know our G-d. Believe in every word he says.

Today I know that nothing anyone can say will shake what I know to be true. My belief is not based of faith alone, it is based on knowledge. I bless you that sooner rather than later yours will be too. Obviously, what you know or do not know will not change what is, but it will change how you view the world and the resulting impact you will have on it.

You made a point there about the professor being responsible to give the students ideas for how to reorient their Judaism according to their (the professor’s) views. When you land in his class at the age of nineteen it is not the job of your professors to present you with a sophisticated perspective on Judaism. Judaism is not a subject, it is who you are. If you want to know more about who you are, there is an infinite amount of information available for you to find.

I most certainly agree with the last point you write in your article. It is no Mitzvah to inject doubt into the minds of impressionable students. Instead of including in our curriculums the passing studies of every philosopher who comes along and uses his limited understanding to create new theories, why not instead encourage our youth to delve into the depths of everlasting, unchanging Torah wisdom and begin to extract its invaluable knowledge so that we may continue to do the work we were sent here to do.

So what does a real Intro to Bible class look like?

Learning the words of the bible without learning their hidden meanings is simply no longer sufficient. Today we have so much free time on our hands, so much blessed time to think, that we cannot suffice with teaching ourselves one fifth of a deep and multilayered truth. We always knew of the four dimensions of Torah words; Pshat, Remez, Drush and Sod, but do we study Torah in this way? Maybe intro to Bible class can begin to introduce to each student the many levels on which the Torah needs to be studied. When he says “…An eye for an eye…” what does the creator mean? What does “G-d’s right arm” look like? Did Reuven really sleep with his father’s wife Bilhah? If he did not, then why does G-d say those words in his Bible?

If there is one valuable gift we can give our children and students it is the ability from the age of 12/13 to start to live. As an adult in the biblical sense it is time for each young man and woman to grapple with their own faith and begin to get to know their creator, their world, and their mission through real study. Should there really be so many of us at the age of nineteen that still rely on faith and have not yet discovered the knowledge to back our belief?


Maybe we should do away with Intro to Bible class.
Then again, maybe there is a better way. Maybe it is finally time to bring in the real introduction and stop wasting valuable time on transient speculations.
May Intro to Bible class live up to its name and introduce the Bible, and with G-d’s help may it be just that: an introduction!

Tuesday, March 5, 2013



I said I was I’m sorry!
                                   …Happy now?







Hi! I’m Commenter number 42. I’m Blogger 293,019.
I think you owe us all a HUGE apology.

I am the self appointed board of social interactions and on behalf of the entire humanity I demand that you step up and give us a sincere apology for the outrageous atrocities you perpetrated against all of mankind. I stand with 117 other commentators and eleven other prestigious bloggers. We are also on the same side as four TV shows, six international talk show hosts and other equally indignant celebrities and commoners. 

Feeling the pressure yet?

I read the letter you wrote privately to your gay student. She posted it online. It went viral and now you owe us. Don’t you understand how hurtful you've been? Don’t you realize that if you write something down you need to have it proofread by me before you mail it?

I heard the comment you made on national TV.

What were you thinking? Don’t you understand that you need to be superhuman? Don’t you understand that at the age of forty you should be wise as a seventy year old, patient as a grandma and as polished as a new pair of shoes? It’s national television! 

You've made a mistake now ‘fess up and say those two appropriate words.

Come on now, we’re waiting.





Dear Fellow Commenter,
Blogger, Journalist, Show Host,
and Great Aunt Julie from Denmark,

           
            In response to your demand for Blank’s public apology I’d like to share my thoughts.

            Blank made himself vulnerable.

He stood up for his current belief, made his feelings known or exposed his worldview.

Blank was not born yesterday and he was not born perfect. He was born just like you. As He stood before us at the age of forty He is simply reflecting some of everything he’s heard and seen over the past 480 months.


Do you remember that story of the woman who lost the Olympic running race because she stopped to help an injured competitor? The moment she stopped dead in her track, turned around and helped the fallen runner we were all deeply moved. We each want to be that kind of player.

Why don’t we just do it? Can’t each of us start today? Falling is not always a matter of a twisted ankle; sometimes it’s a matter of twisted logic, but there is nothing some compassionate communication can’t fix… with time.  

In my mind I imagine a day when we finally view each other as the fellow players we are. We are all playing to win the same game. Blank is not competing against you. He is competing against himself. His selfish side competes against his caring side. His accepting self competes against the prosecutor self. His careless side still wins sometimes and then he finds himself in a mess he didn't realize he is in. How can we best help him out of it without crushing his dignity?

If Blank made a mistake and I really care, wouldn't I kindly pay him a visit? Can’t I try to show him what I see and teach him what I know so that he may understand?

Blank might be stubborn at first.

After all, he might have seen things his way for years before I came along. If I really care I won’t give up on him. I will take all measures of care not to expose his mistake to others. He probably had no idea! Or maybe he did, but can’t I afford him the benefit of the doubt anyway?

As a fellow player, will you go on over and let him know what you think? Will you trust that together we can figure it all out? If Blank lives far away, can’t you write him a letter? Can’t you include your number so you can chat it out?

And if He turns down all of our attempts and insist that he is right and did nothing wrong, must he be afraid that we will then expose his weaknesses, his stupidity and his vulnerability to the world? Can’t we be fellow players even though 100% of us are probably still broken and blind and not quite there yet?

If Blank does not offer an apology on his own then that means he doesn't get it yet. We could focus on minimizing the damage he creates by strengthening ourselves and each other.  It might be a good idea for us to move on to the next thing and trust that when he is ready in a week, a month or fourteen years he’ll come around. Instead of wasting our limited efforts trying to coerce him into a superficial display of remorse, why don’t we focus instead on helping the victims of his insensitivity so that they may be strengthened at the core? Let’s allow him to process the lessons of life at his own pace and not let him stop us from processing ours. We can move forward and keep doing our thing and if Blank is lucky, he’ll catch up one day.



He’ll catch up because he’ll be free to move forward. He will grow and mature because he will have us, his trusting and supportive team all around him. He’ll come around because he’ll see all the beautiful things we've built with our focus, energy and determination to make this world a more beautiful place and he’ll realize how his insensitivity undermines that. He’ll come around because positivity is infectious. It caught on to the people around us and they passed it to the people around them and what do you know? It took a little while but eventually he caught it too.

It might be fourteen years too late but won’t we accept his apology when he finally extends it? What is a real team for?

 Imagine if we never make him say the words before he is ready, before they come from inside. Because of our patience and belief in Blank, he will have the opportunity to sincerely express his feelings of regret once he finally realizes what he did wrong. He will have the opportunity to receive our genuine forgiveness. He might say “I finally realize the pain I caused by the way I hurt you, or your family, or your people, or all of humanity and I’m so, so sorry.

“Will you please forgive me now?

“I said I was I’m sorry… “
                                               

                …And because of our authentic trust, he will actually mean it.






Disclaimer: This is not a call to hush or cover up abuse. This is a call to end this habit we've fallen into of extracting false apologies from each other. Let us not abuse the dynamic of sincere apology and forgiveness by forcing it. Let us instead remember that we are all vulnerable and wrong in some way and the least we can do is work with each other, not against each other.
       If someone is a danger to himself or others all actions must be taken to stop the abuse either through legal actions or by applying other pressure.
       Demanding a public apology should not be our aim; rather our aim should be to support each other and teach each other. The day we succeed will be the day every man and woman finally realizes what a powerful gift it is; the opportunity to ask for and receive forgiveness.


               




Thursday, February 7, 2013



No! We DO Have a Right to Expect More!

Response to “When a Rabbi Misbehaves”


Dear Itty,

You wrote in your article “When a Rabbi Misbehaves” that it is up to me not to get affected when I see a role model doing something wrong. You wrote that I could use my free choice to move forward and keep doing good things in my own life.

I think you are missing a very important point in your article; the part about taking responsibility for the wrong that was done.  We can’t just keep brushing things under the rug.

They say there are three things that affect a person. Wine will make one drunk, money will corrupt and Chassidus will refine. If you don’t see the expected results of one of the mentioned substances you need to up the dose. 

When I see a person who spends so much time learning and teaching Chassidus I expect to see some kind of refinement. I expect to have a role model that is modeling behavior meant for me to emulate. If he does not want to behave in a refined manner he should quit his position. 

Although a Rabbi has free choice, he does not have the option to behave badly. Tanya explains that free choice for a Beinuni is something completely different. The battle never ends but it does become a more refined battle.  He has to choose between good and better things, not grubbeh aveiros like stealing.

Take as an example the story of Reb...  He spent a full night battling with himself over where to give his Tzedaka. Should it all go to a poor Kallah, or would it make a greater impact if distributed among the poor. He spent hours trying to figure out which was his yetzer tov and which his yetzer hara. Now that’s a Chassidishe battle!

So when I see a Rabbi who teaches Chassidus doing something I think is not Chassidish isn't it my responsibility to make sure someone is taking care of it?! I mean, am I meant to just let it go? How can I let corruption and two faced behavior happen in my community? What will happen to the education of our children and teenagers? Doesn't someone have to do something about it?

These are important questions. What should my response be to the wrong that was done?

Sincerely, Your still confused and skeptical side.



                            

               
Dear Skeptiself,

Here’s a thought:

Preceding the beginning of our work as a nation, before we even got our instructions, there were two battles we had to face. There was something about combat we needed to learn first.


The totally weird thing though, is that we got opposite instructions for each one.  

When chased by Paraoh we were told to completely disregard the enemy and move forward. We were even discouraged from prayer! Just be silent and keep moving forward. 

During the second battle we were told to fight the Amaleiki nation until we annihilate them completely. What is with that?  How am I supposed to understand anything from that? When faced with an enemy should I fight or should I ignore?

Perhaps before responding to any threat we need to be very much aware about which category the enemy falls into.

 If something is standing in your way right there between you and your mission (and you cannot reach your mission with this threat in your way) Hashem says (and I paraphrase) “If you want to get closer to me you will have to take out your sword and fight to clear your way here.”

 If I want to write a book to teach the world about Shabbos I am going to be faced with enemies. If the enemy is tiredness, apathy, or my preference for endless games of solitaire I need to take out my swords and say “Be gone! I will not lose to tiredness. I will not waste another 129 seconds to another game of solitaire. Book, here I come to write you!” I need to put pen to paper and chug out those words until I get through. Amalek was literally standing in between us and our work. There was no way around them so the instruction was to fight to the end.

But what’s up with Paraoh? How should I respond to the enemies that stand not in my way, but you know… all around me. What am I supposed to do about them? If my community celebrities are arguing, if my neighbor eats MSG, if an article on the web offends my opinion, what should my response be? Call in the troops? Write a negative comment? Spend energy feeling indignant?

Do I need to take responsibility? Should I make sure the matter is taken care of; every matter, everywhere? Will my effort accomplish something good? Is Hashem looking for my help here?

Regarding your question; the Beinuni you know is showing the world a non Beinuni side. Is this your holy battle? Is it standing between you and the book you are writing, the Tzedaka you are giving, the Chassidim you are raising? Or is it perhaps a Paraoh trying to steal your energy from the above mentioned G-dly projects? (Not to mention as so many correctly pointed out; do you really want to lose your energy trying to evaluate something you know nothing about? Is it true, is it made up, great soul, little soul, lots of Chassidus, not so much, Emes, Pnimius, truly evil, seeming evil, rumors… you might not want to go there.)


Here is an idea:       

Show the Chassidim you are raising how to stay focused. Show them how Tatty and Mommy or Morah keep creating more light. 

Show them that one family trip to the nursing home can bring so many smiles that Hashem cries tears of joy because of how deeply you touched him. 

Show them how to stay in the light so that they don’t even notice the darkness. And yes, darkness does go away on its own (when we do good).


One more point. Have you heard the concept “Sur Meira Ve’asei Tov”? Have you ever thought about why is says to turn away from bad, and it does not say to fight it?

Maybe it is time to take that to heart and turn away. It might take more effort at first to actively turn away, ignore, not let in the distractions, but it gets easier. Before you know it there is so much light around you that the dark can’t even touch you. Before you know it you've dragged more people into your light. Be a lamp that people come close to. 

I’d love to stay and chat forever, but I need to go back now and keep writing my book about Shabbos.  See you at the nursing home!  

Love, Itty Kay