To My Daughter... And Women Everywhere

Dear Sara,

            I heard you crying in your room earlier. I assume the tears were related to the scoff you got from your brother about being a “weakling sissy girl”.

            That kind of thing could be hurtful to hear if you really have no idea what makes it untrue. You might have run off thinking, “He might be right! What makes me less than weak or sissy?”

Well Sara, do you know? Have you ever thought about what it is that makes you different from your brother? What makes a woman different from a man?

            There is lots of information out there but most of it seems somehow less than sufficient. You can study all about the anatomical differences and still be left thinking “But why? Why are all those differences just the way they are?” You can learn that women have a stronger interpersonal intuition and men a sharper concentration and focus, but then again; why?  

For many years I used to feel very vulnerable about my femininity. I heard beautiful things about the Matriarchs, Prophetesses and Rebbetzins from different eras. I heard stories that highlighted their wisdom and ingenuity, personal strength and far reaching influence. I heard many reasons for standing behind the Mechitza, avoiding the pulpit and making the home my personal focus but always at the end I was still left with the nagging feeling that it is better to be a man.  Men are stronger. Men have clear thinking. Men don’t get distracted by constantly changing hormones. Men don’t get weakened by childbirth or derailed for days by a story about pain and loss.

It was only after I was enlightened to the essential difference that I finally began to embrace my womanhood. It was only once I embraced that side of me that every other part of my life began to make sense.  

To think the difference is biological, emotional, intellectual or psychological is to remain fixated on the “parts” of a person. It’s like thinking an ironing board is different from a cutting board because one is longer than the other and made of steel. Of course one might be longer and stronger but that is not what makes the two different. Those are just features.

            The difference between the two boards is the purpose of each. The two could look exactly alike, be made of the same materials, take up the same amount of space and still be essentially different. The reason why the cutting board is shorter and lighter is not because we cannot make it otherwise. It is specifically so.  The shape, size and weight were created to best support its function.

It is erroneous to believe that features define. Purpose defines. The best features for each thing are those that serve its purpose best.

To think that women are different from men on account of our features is true, but not the point. It is our purpose that defines us and makes sense of all the differences.

So what is the purpose?

I used to think that life was about fixing. Then one day I learnt that is not the purpose of life, rather it is the purpose of a man to fix things. There are so many things in the world that are broken, unjust, unresolved and just plain wrong. That is why a man does what he does; to fix the broken things and make them work. A woman’s job is different. It is not our job to pursue, persecute or patch things up.  Our job is to take care of those things that are already whole. Our job is to take what is already healthy, and allow it to thrive.

As a woman you must keep your eye and your heart tuned to those things that are already good and beautiful. A child is good. A child does not need to be fixed. In your space he will grow strong, and through your example he will grow kind. A home is good. A home is a space wherein people can grow. A home is not a project that needs fixing; a home is already a perfect wonderful place to be. Life is good. Focus on those things that are good; a new thought, a beautiful day, a new friend. If you receive them, accept them, and trust in their goodness they will continue to blossom.

Of course there are still forces that need to be fought. Regarding those, you can trust that your brother will take care of them. He was built to find and fix. A real man is the one who can recognize a need and set about filling it. He sees a problem and recognizes it as his next project. Although you Sara might at many times be required to fill in, fixing is not your ultimate purpose or fulfillment.  Protecting is more like it. As a woman your presence is a positive force. What you allow into your space without reservation or judgment will flourish.

            One day you will grow and have a husband. The better you learn now to ignore the negative and revel in the good, the better a wife you will be. His level of success will depend on your level of acceptance. In the light of your unyielding respect he will prosper. Engulfed in your undivided confidence in him, he will thrive.

There will be parts of him that are still raw, hurting, and unrefined. Will you know how to avoid losing your strengths over trying to fight or fix those? There will be bits of him that are vulnerable. Will you be trained and prepared to look the other way? If you start practicing now, you will know how to make it your way to highlight those elements of charm, tenderness, strength and beauty that with your wisdom you will uncover. In your unconditional receiving, the hurting parts will have the time and space they need in order to heal and the wholesome parts will unfold and reign true and lasting.

There is nothing you need do to activate this nurturing power; it is who you are. When you are, without tension or preconceptions, without pressure or calculations, all who are around you are nurtured.

Think of the womb. Where else in all of nature does an organ exist that neither pumps nor pulls, filters nor fights; only waits?  Where else in the body is there a feature built in that passes time silently with endless patience asking for nothing and then receiving without reservation? When the womb receives, life occurs. By extension, when a woman receives into all of the space around her, lives are nurtured.

Your home will be an extension of your space – if you allow it to be. It is not in the serving of meals or the washing of dishes that the nurturing takes place. Those tasks are not homemaking, they are housekeeping. Anyone may absorb those tasks. They may be done by your husband, yourself or hired help. It is not through any kind of work that you are defined; rather it is in your presence that magic happens. It is through your being that the house becomes a home. Don’t wait until you grow up to be who you are. Start practicing on your brother, your campers and your friends. Can you tune in to all that is whole, sweet, pretty and joyous?

When you read an article, can you learn to ignore the misconceptions and expound on the truths? When you hear a thought, can you resist the urge to say “I disagree” and try to receive it fully? Can you tune into that part of you that says “What exactly does that even mean?”

Your father finds fulfillment in fighting to protect you from hunger, cold and need. As your mother, I nourish and protect you, my beautiful children who are already exactly right; not because you do everything the right way, but because even the struggles are exactly right. They are part of life, and life is right.  I remain within the fort so that you have the nurturing necessary to flourish, grow and mature.

Will you need to fight sometimes? That you will. Might you take up a labor to provide for your family one day? You might need to do that as well.

If you need to, you will do a great job of it. You are not unequally endowed with intelligence or ability, efficiency or drive. If out of necessity you must devote some of your time to worldly struggles, I wish you blessings of success. Wherever you are and whatever you need to engage in, remember who you are. As a woman in the workplace your coworkers should feel the warmth. As you receive your children at home with trust in their innate innocence and goodness, allow all who are around you to thrive in your trust and acceptance.

Allow yourself to be a woman wherever you may find yourself. Turn a blind eye to weaknesses and faults. See how in your space they simply fall away with time to be helplessly replaced by the beauty, health and real strengths that were always just under the surface.

Sara, you do not need bulging muscles or towering height because you were not built for fighting. Someone was, but not you. Your strength lies in something else entirely. Your strength lies in your capacity to receive.

The extent to which you receive is in your control. Not much else will be. If you receive with grace and allow things to fall where they may you will not be disappointed. It is when you allow yourself this full vulnerability that you will find the endeavors and people all around you blossoming.

In your home, it is this vulnerability in receiving fully that will set you apart from your husband. And it is that which makes you most different from each other that is in fact what will allow you to come together in oneness. Your husband will not receive you. Receiving is not his role. His role will be that to you - he can give.

Contrary to the contemporary call for domestic equality, the most important relationship in your life will be not with an equal but with a compliment. You might be two peers sharing a space, but he will not be anything like you. Essentially he will be something else completely. He will be all that you are missing.

Whereas your fulfillment is in receiving fully, his will be in giving. In giving himself over fully to you, he is making himself so vulnerable, so open to your reaction; your acceptance or rejection. And you Sara, you will have the opportunity to receive him fully; to catch him when he falls with full trust into your life.

Because of the era we live in, sometimes it seems like giving is so much more important. It seems like there is so much to fix and so much to accomplish. There is so much still to build and figure out, and contrive. It took me years to begin to notice that indeed there is so much too that is already good.

Where there is no receiving there cannot be life. The women before us knew this. No matter the state of the world outside, our mothers stayed home so that we the children, the living, the good can be nurtured. Although it is no longer necessary to stay at home, don’t allow yourself to be fooled or distracted from your greatest role. It is in the receiving of an idea that it can bloom into a thought and then into words and actions. It is in the receiving of inspiration that every great work of art was ever born. In receiving a child, he grows strong and healthy and goes on to do his work. Wherever you are, you can be the home.

Today and for all of history we women were placeholders for the men as well. They did not yet have the luxury of reveling in the good. We are reminders to them of what wholeness looks like through all the years of war and struggle to bring the world closer to that state. In the world we are working toward, a world that is no longer far at all, the art of fixing will be obsolete, and receiving and living will be appreciated once again.

Today, even the strongest women need to be a little bit masculine as there are still those things  that needed to be fought. Really soon Sara, all the fights will be won. When that is finally true, then all people will need to be a little more feminine and learn to nurture all that is good. If you focus on being that way now, they will start learning from your example.

You might not lift as much as your brother or run as fast but you are not a “weakling sissy girl” my dear. You are as strong as your confidence in your purpose. When he taunts you, can you laugh at his youth and confusion? Can you receive him fully and trust that one day he will grow out of his insecurities into a real man?

Dry your tears my dear Sara and come join me on the couch. Let us read about the world we can almost touch. Let us thank the greatest giver of all for allowing us to be a part of his dream; for allowing us to show the world what the final hope looks like, and for inviting us to be a part of making it come about.